Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Sam's Club Sells Sassy Pants

   Well. Thursday has come and gone and I seem to still be living in a tiny apartment with massive student loan debt. Fail for all of you. But I am person of the forgiving persuasion so...bridge...water under it, ya know?
   Perhaps my tale of Sam's Club's sassy pants will bump me into the next tax bracket. So I don't know a dang thing about fashion or 'hot or not' trends or anything like that. My litmus test for whether or not I'm going to put something on my body goes something like this: is it pretty? Is it comfy? Does it make me look like a manatee? If the answers to those questions are 'yes', 'yes', and 'gurl, please' respectively, then I buy it. The color white, put on my rather round bottom half, normally does not pass the manatee test and elicits a response from my inner dignity like "oh hellz nah" and I steer clear. But white is totally the new black and I wanna be in the club! (Sam's Club...get it?) So when Drewbies and I passed the ridiculously reasonably priced clothes at Sam's Club and I saw some way cute, cropped, white, summer-y pants, I had to stop.
(Me, holding up pants in the size just below mine because apparently you don't exist after a certain number): "Siiigh....white pants would be so fun. I bet they would go with everything."
Drewbies: "So get them." Ha. If were but that easy for a woman to clothes shop. Poor ignorant soul. He had no idea what he just walked into.
Me: "Um, A) they aren't even my size, B) I doubt they carry my size, and C) even if they did fit, they're white, Drew. WHITE." 
Drewdle: "Yeah...what of it? So they're white."
Mua: "Drew. White is the opposite of black. Black is slimming. Therefore, white is fattening. I already get confused with a sistah from behind. If we slap some white on my rear, we might as well just call PETA and let them know a manatee was found in an Eastern Idaho Sam's Club begging for someone to throw it back in its natural habitat!"
Drew: "I think they would look really hot on you."

Me: "Well, they might fit."
Fast forward. Home. Bathroom. Pants around ankles. Pants around knees (so far so good). Pants around hips.....preparing for failure......first button of super cute button fly is done. Then the second, then the third, then the (follow me now) fourth...AND I GOT THEM ON AND THEY DIDN'T MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A LAGOON CREATURE! And remember: they weren't even my size!!!
I actually felt cute in them. Sassy point numero uno.
Further proof of the sassiness of these pants comes a few days later. Drew was heading to class which meant he was running like 20,000 centuries late and he needed a ride. You guys, these pants were awesome that day. We (the pants and myself) got Drew to class in, like, 2 minutes. We (again, the pants and my fine self) did 45 in a 25, weaved in and out of traffic, ran yellow lights and didn't even get stopped by local law enforcement. AMAZING.
I'm totally serious when I say that everyone needs to own a pair of white pants. Or if you feel entirely confident in any color pants, then choke on a knife you skinny beezy...said with all the love in the world of course. But for real, I'm so diggin' this colored pant thing that is happening right now.
Maybe a pair of orange capris to give me super confident sassiness is the next purchase of my summer! Or lime-green! Dude. Or rainbow. 

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